Today’s Encouragement isn’t going to be what I normally post.
This one is written with the hopes to reach that person who knows the pain of darkness.
I have been struggling since Saturday in what to write because my posts feel so artificial to me. I write about what others should do to encourage them along their journey, but most of the time this isn’t something I follow through with on my end. I try, however it is easier to step out of my own body and write to you directly. God always gives me the words to encourage others which is how I write what I do every day. Unfortunately, I do not know how to do what I tell you to do. I only know what I say to you comes from God and it is my desire it makes your journey easier and hopefully a little more pleasant.
I have been looking in the mirror lately when I get up and brush my teeth and the reflection I see looking back at me appears as a total stranger. I look at all the flaws I see in my face and it makes me cringe so badly that I find it easier to look away. Do you ever do this?
As I was trying to pull my thoughts together for what I would write today, I looked in the mirror and saw this total stranger again. I saw ever red mark on my face that I can’t hide no matter how hard I try. I see tired and weary blue eyes that look totally worn out. I see the gray hair trying to sneak a peek back in amongst the brown hair I have, but I don’t have the money or the time to do anything about it right now. I see every extra roll I didn’t use to carry but am too tired to care about the exercising or the diet that it will take to remove it. I just don’t have time for that right now.
So what gives? Do I continue to pretend the reflection looking back is or isn’t me? Am I truly a wife, mother, daughter, and friend because I fail at each and every one of them? I have mastered letting every one of them down. I struggle to stay in contact with my mom who lives 16 hours away because I can’t live up to her expectations of moving back home to help her. I am a terrible wife because I am grouchy, irritable, unloving, and angry all the time (more like overworked and underappreciated). As far as a mother, this is the closest I try to come to getting this right, but there is always that critic with the “answer” (I haven’t thought of or tried that will heal my daughter of her chronic pain and illnesses). They always know what is best, but what I really need is their support and encouragement that we will get through this and my Kiddo will redeem her life from all of this at some point. Instead, I just smile and say thank you, but we have tried that and it doesn’t work. I appreciate your suggestion though (as that is the polite thing to say and do). As for being a friend, I try. I try to be supportive, understanding, loving, and loyal, but as with most of my life, that isn’t enough. I am not sure what I do wrong, but somehow I am a master at pushing them away as well.
So instead of looking in the mirror and seeing someone I am proud of and I am happy to be, I cringe and look away. Now, I know God tells me this is wrong thinking and that this isn’t who He created me to be, but somehow the lies are so much easier to believe than the truth is to face.
Please know this post was not written to have a pity party. It was written to be brutally honest with my raw emotions with the hopes it encourages others who may struggle in this same area. I know the pain, loneliness, and darkness this life can hold, so please know this encouragement is designed for you and know you are not alone.
Hold your head up high and do not believe the lies your reflection might be telling you. They are the lies the enemy wants us to believe. What God wants us to believe is that we are, “…fearfully and wonderfully made.” God does not make mistakes.